I Have Lost My Way - Gayle Forman Review

 *This review contains spoilers*

'I Have Lost My Way' by Gayle Forman came out in April 2018 when I was finishing my last year of A-levels without a clue of what I wanted to do with my life after I had left sixth form. When I saw this book on the shelf, the title describing my current circumstance, I had to pick it up. Then it sat on my shelf for an embarrassingly long time - 2 years and 11 months. 

When I finally picked this book up and began reading, I was grateful that I hadn't read it sooner. I don't think I would have appreciated the stories and the outcomes as much if I had read it when I was younger. The characters do not get the happy ending you are expecting and as someone who already didn't have a plan, it would have terrified me to know that you cannot possibly predict your future and that sometimes the things you want aren't the things you need or the things you truly want for the rest of your life. 

The book is told in three perspectives with stories from present day and the past. Although each character has a very different life from the others, all of their experiences are comparable. They are all a toad in a pot with the heat slowly being increased until its unbearable but they can't get out. Then they meet each other, and somehow manage to climb over the lip of the pan and onto a life that doesn't end perfectly, but has perfect moments rather than just panic and worry and sadness. 

Freya wants nothing more than to be loved. After her father leaves, she finds this love from fans who adore her singing but when she loses her voice she is forced to think about if this love is real. I was expecting for the whole book that she would find a peaceful setting and suddenly her vocal chords would open up and she would sing beautifully again. This doesn't happen, and I'm not disappointed. Freya becomes the most powerful, strong and emotional woman when she takes control of her life. She leaves a manipulative studio, kisses the boy she likes and reconciles with her sister. Its not the ending I expected but it was the ending I needed. Knowing that, above all else, you can find happiness in the most unexpected places (like under a bridge in the park) warms my heart and gives me hope that you don't need to know where you are going to find where you are. 

Nathaniel's story was so complex and at times confusing because he himself was unwilling to share exactly what had happened to him until the end. The moment when Harun found the slip of paper in Nathaniel's backpack listing the places it would be easiest to die, made my heart drop. I was terrified that Nathaniel believed there was no saving him; that he was lost to the world because it had always been him and his father and what could be do when his father is gone? But then we saw his perspective. Standing on that bridge, hearing him say "I don't want to die", I could feel myself saying it too. Nathaniel has dreams, he just needs a plan to turn them into reality. 

Harun's story is heartbreaking. He lost the man he loves because he was scared of losing his family. This is such a complex issue of being terrified of coming out due to the judgement, but needing to for your own happiness. When the story of Freya going to see her sister and reconciling mirrored with Harun going to see James, his ex-boyfriend, I thought that maybe it would all work out and Harun could be with the man he loves again. But Forman had different ideas. She used this as an opportunity to show that even if you love someone, they might not be right for you. James is such a small character in this book but he is so important because he teaches young readers that you should be a priority to the person who loves you and you don't deserve to be put on hold until they can be with you. 

This book was so good and, although I am still finding my way, Forman taught me that its ok to not know where you are going  as long as you find moments of happiness, enjoyment and craziness along the way. 

Lauren xo